I feel raw right now as it’s been an intensely challenging three or four weeks.
I finally broke up with my partner of three and half years on December 30th, a decision that’s been a long time coming, but something I was fervently doing my best to avoid.
In the end, there was no avoiding the facts. I couldn’t continue my practice of being loving and open while standing strong in my truth, and stay in the relationship.
Initially there was a feeling of relief – finally no more back and forth, up and down, left and right, the only way was forward.
I could take charge of my life once again and follow what I knew to be true. I could focus on looking after our son, Samuel, almost one and just walking.
I could focus on my purpose in life.
It was not to be so simple.
Every time I climbing a mountain during the process, my expected view of clear skies for miles was marred by another peak.
So I’ve climbed, and climbed, and climbed some more.
And my legs are almost giving out.
Almost, but not quite. My yoga and meditation practice is helping enormously – I have so much spiritual fitness conditioning when it comes to staying present, staying open, staying grounded, staying loving… just staying really that I can deal with all that’s happening, moment by moment.
I can sit in the sadness when it arises. Stay with the fear when it comes calling. Be with the grief when its a-knockin’.
Most of all, I keep trusting that all will be well, because life has taught me that it always is well. Especially when I take time to focus on what there is to be grateful for – and there’s plenty of that.
Like the time I’ve been spending with my Mum up in Glenorchy. Samuel and I have been here for almost four weeks, and it’s been such a gift so spend that much time with my wonderful mother, and to watch her and Samuel enjoy each other’s company.
I’m grateful for this website, which is growing and developing in many ways.
As I prepare to move back to Wellington, I’m so grateful for the wonderful women I meet in Dunedin. I was only there for nine months, yet have formed some fast and strong connections with some beautiful and inspiring women. While I can’t imagine that I’ll ever go back to Dunedin to live, I feel that there’s a reason why I’ve met these women – our journey together is just beginning.
I’m also grateful for the Wellington Sangha who are welcoming me back with joy and open arms. I’ve missed them in my nine month Dunedin journey and can’t wait to be hanging out again.
I’m so, so, so, so grateful for my practice. Since coming back from LA, I’ve practiced my Tantra meditation daily. That’s every single morning. It’s my anchor, my energetic shower, my checking-in and my launching-off for the day. Lately I’ve also been revisiting the loving-kindness meditation I did for forty days straight while pregnant with Samuel.
May I be filled with loving-kindness
May I be well
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy
(No wonder Samuel is such an easy, happy, well & loving child!)
This meditation has helped me soften back into myself and allow myself to feel the pain of this experience – so important when I’ve been in self-protection mode to deal with the fall-out post-breakup. The last thing I want to do right now is fall back into old patterns and not feel the truth of this separation. Because it does hurt, and my mind’s been spinning with thoughts of what-if, and how-could-I, and why-didn’t-I, and of-course… I-was-so-blind.
I just watch the show, letting it come, letting it go, detaching from the drama, and not getting sucked into it. It’s just a story, and I ain’t buying any of it.
I did the best I could every moment I could.
As indeed did my partner.
To him, I am also grateful. He’s been the best teacher I’ve ever had. No one has ever been so insightful, forthright and challenging as he. He mirrored me, showing me where all my fears and insecurities and neediness lay buried deep. As a result of our fearless work together, I understand how I co-created our relationship. I see what was going on and how I was the author of my own misery.
Yep, I get it now. The lesson has been learned, it’s sunk in deep and I could regurgitate it backwards while blindfolded upside down in a tub of water.
Which is why I’m not in it any more.
Scary and sad and difficult as life may be right now, new mountain peak after new mountain peak to scale in this challenging transition, at least I’ve finally cracked that particular relationship-pattern nut.
My focus now is on me, and Samuel, and the future I’m creating for us – a big part of which is this website and teaching yoga. It took a huge amount of energy to stay immersed in the drama of our relationship, and as the dust settles, that energy will be freed up for more creative uses. (Yeah!)
For now I just wanted to say thank you – and I figure it’s close enough to The Yoga Lunchbox one year anniversary to give me a reason to do so.
Thank you for the enthusiasm with which the New Zealand and wider global yoga community has embraced this website.
Thank you to all my Super Subscribers voluntarily deciding to pay for their subscription because they just want to.
Thank you to all my subscribers for letting me send you articles week in and week out.
Thank you to all the Facebook fans for commenting on posts and liking what’s going on.
Thank you to my contributors for voluntarily writing most excellent articles every month.
Thank you to the yoga teachers who have filled in profiles, the studios who have advertised, the yoga websites that have linked to The Yoga Lunchbox.
And thank you to everyone who loves what I’m doing and has been raving about it to their students, friends, family and random strangers online.
You guys rock, and collectively we all make what this website is, and what it’s going to become. Because yep, I’ve got big plans for this year, and next.
I hope you’ll all stick around for the ride.